What do you get if you mix a car, a fly, and a dog?
A flying carpet!
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What do you call a worm with no teeth?
A gummy worm!
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What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck!
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How did the telephone propose to the lady?
It gave her a ring!
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What pet does everyone have?
An Armpet!
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What did the nut say when it sneezed?
"Cashew"!
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What table can we eat?
A vegeTABLE!
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Which is faster: Hot or Cold?
Hot, 'cause you can catch a cold!
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Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop!
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Why did the boy tiptoe towards the medicine cabinet?
Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
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What did Cinderella say to the photographer?
I want my "prints" back!
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What is a cannibal's favourite game?
Swallow the Leader!
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Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his dessert?
He was stuffed!
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Who likes to drink cocoa?
A Cocoanut!
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What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
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What is even smarter than a talking bird?
A Spelling Bee!
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Who is the greatest underwater spy?
James POND!
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What sickness does a martial artist have?
Kung FLU!
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What happens if you take a one hundred foot dive into a glass of pepsi ?
Nothing! It's a SOFT drink!
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Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
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Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?
A. Jell-o!
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Q. When do you stop at green and go at red?
A. When you're eating a watermelon!
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Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?
A. Tomato Paste!
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Q. When does a cart come before a horse?
A. In the dictionary!
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Q. Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?
A. They wear snow caps.
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Q. If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had kids, who would be the biggest of the three?
A. The baby, because he's a little Bigger!
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Q. What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A. Stop going in circles and get to the point!
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A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
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Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?
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How can you double your money?
By folding it in half.
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A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
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TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor? CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!-
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. Jackson: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: Jackson!
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